Buy 1 Get 10 Free

Recently, my girlfriend and I were driving to a wedding in Boliver, MO, the city that she grew up in. It is about two hours from where I live and I had never been there. We were slightly behind schedule but she was calming my nerves by giving me turn by turn directions.
        Thirty minutes into the drive she pointed to a billboard and said, "That's our exit." She is so funny. The billboard was an advertisement for a fireworks warehouse. I laughed to myself a little bit and then started thinking about all of the fireworks stands in the world. They are all over the place in America. Out in the middle of nowhere exit after exit and sometimes multiple in the same exit.
        It baffles me because everywhere I have ever lived permits the firing of recreational explosives for only two days out of the year, New Year's Eve and Fourth of July. I have so many questions about fireworks stores and since my girlfriend made that joke I can't stop thinking about them.
        Do these fireworks stands really pay their mortgages by their sales for these two dates? I hardly think so. How are the stores so close to each other? Why is it that whenever there are two stores next to each other that there is always just one car parked out front? Why is that one car always a Chevy Malibu? How far away do employees have to walk to go on smoke breaks? Will another company ever challenge the branding supremacy of Black Cat? How can they offer such incredible deals? Buy 1 Get 10 Free!!
        Twelve miles into my musing, my girlfriend asked a rather confusing question, "Are we still on 71?" "As far as I know," I replied. She had broken my concentration. I was trying to get back to my thoughts when she asked if I had taken the exit she told me to. "You never said anything. What exit?" I replied firmly. "The one with the fireworks stand," she replied rightly.

Superman Insurance

     If I was an entrepreneur in Metropolis, I would develop a market for Superman Insurance. I have nothing against Superman but boy does he cause a lot more damage then he realizes.

     

     Firstly: Getting Changed in a Phone Booth 

     When he gets changed in the phone booth it is so quick that nobody even notices. I have never gotten changed in a phone booth before, but I imagine that it would be extremely difficult not to touch the glass enclosure a couple times while taking off my shirt or pants. If Superman bumps into the glass walls getting changed as quickly as he does there would an explosion of glass that sprayed out like grenade shrapnel. Superman Insurance would show up, see a demolished phone booth, assume it was S-Man and cut you a check.

     Secondly: Laser Vision

     Superman may have amazing abilities, but he is far from perfect and I would say that to his face. Having laser vision is a gift, but being a marksman is a skill that needs to be developed and practiced on a regular basis. S-Man won't hit his desired target 100% of the time. Molten sidewalk outside your storefront? covered. Car been lasered in half? covered.  

     Thirdly: Falling From a Building

     Everyone knows that if you fall from a building in Metropolis and yell Superman's name he will catch you. However, Superman rarely takes into consideration the delicacies of the human spine. If you are falling from a building at 35 mph and Superman intercepts you at a ninety-degree angle, you will be in the hospital. So will we, with a check, if you have Superman Insurance.

      Fourthly: Freezy Breath

      In the event that S-Man is fighting a nemesis that uses fire as his main weapon, freezy breath will be Superman's most obvious counter-attack. This could get bad depending on the intensity of the battle. Frozen branches falling on power-lines, pipes bursting, pneumonia, damaged crops, hypothermia and frost bite would all be covered.

    

It would be company policy to never speak about Superman in a negative manner. Our stance would be an empathetic one. Superman makes mistakes just as much as the next guy. His mistakes just happen to be super.

On The Dot

I have heard a lot of people complaining about gas prices lately. Honestly, I haven’t given it much thought. People at my work are regularly quoting prices from around the country and making predictions for later this Summer. I have not once been tempted to chime in, until today.

Have you noticed with the higher prices how difficult it is to pump to the even dollar? You slide your card and put the little kickstand up on the pump. The handle clicks and you look over and it reads $38.27. I venture to guess that many of you are like me and are equally as concerned, if not more, about the $0.27 as you are the $38.

I couldn’t sleep at night if I knew that when that when that transaction posted $38.27 would be taken out. It has to be an even dollar. I don’t want to consider $0.27 when I am doing my budget. It’ll screw the whole thing up for weeks.

So, I go for the even $39. My car doesn’t necessarily need $0.73 more of gas -- my mind does. I do the pulsating grip technique to scoot my way closer to serenity.

(hard squeeze)

$38.45

(hard squeeze)

$38.67

(hard squeeze)

$38.83

(medium squeeze)

$38.94

(little squeeze)

$38.97

(little squeeze)

$38.99

(Pause)

Concentrate, Thomas! You’ve done this a thousand time. If you were a rapper your name would be Lil Squeezie.

(tiny squeeze)

$39.01 

The worst possible outcome.