“It must be nice,” My cousin said to me the other day when he walked into my room and I was still sleeping. I felt a little defensive because he said it with a tone of superiority, like he was some uber human that requires 3 hours of sleep. It was like he had already woken up and read half the Bible. “It must be nice” was my anthem for his every move the rest of the morning(morning for me, it was practically nighttime for him).
If he had the remote, “It must be nice, Mike, getting to watch whatever YOU want.” If he had to go do some stuff for school, “It must be nice to go do some stuff for school.” Checking out babes on facebook, “It must be real nice to be into that 35 year old.” “You mean, 32?” “It must be real nice to be into a 32 year old that looks 35.”
I love that phrase now. It must be nice.
One of the chefs said to me the other night, “It must be nice to be rich and go travel” after I told him that I was going to Spain later this summer. I say, it must be nice to be him. He gets 2 shift beers and usually works 2 shifts. That’s 4 shift beers. I get 0 shift beers. It must be really nice to get shift beers. To remind him of what no shift beers tastes like, I filled his Budweiser bottle with Ginger Ale. (Imagine if there was a smiley face that had devil horns. I would have put it here.)
People from the middle of the country tell me that it must be nice to live on an island. I tell them it is in some ways, but it must be nice to live in the middle of the country. Why? Here’s a few reasons; You don’t get sand in your car after you go to the beach. You don’t have a weird tan line on your foot because you don’t get to wear flip flops all of the time. You don’t have to wake up in the morning and wrestle with whether or not you have the goods to go European comfortably.
I have this Speedo question hanging over my head every day. It’s probably because I hang a Speedo hanging over my bed. I treat it as a visual metaphor. I will always have to face the question if the question is literally facing me. Yes, I also painted a question mark on the Speedo.
It is nice to be me.
I am very blessed. I have a lot of family around me. I have even more family about to come visit. My girlfriend is coming here soon, with her beautiful daughter. This will be nice, because then people will finally stop thinking I am gay. Which hasn’t been a bad thing, because I have sensed that a lot of people have wanted to make out with me, but I am not into that. I am going to do things like hold her hand and put my arm around her when people are watching.
A lot of people will probably point as us, because we are going to look super sexy together. I am not sure how I am going to convince people that she isn’t somebody that I have not paid in order to not look gay. I will probably have to hack into her bank account and give people printouts of her most recent transactions. That will really shut them up.
