Nicknames

            I have been called many things, and I don’t mind being called late for dinner if you used cream of mushroom in that casserole.

My cousin Thomas nicknamed me T-Bone. It stuck for most of my childhood. I loved it. To nickname someone T-Bone whose first named begins with “T” is not very original, however, his explanation for why he gave me the name always amazed me. If you asked him when we were younger, he would tell you I was named T-Bone because I sat on a bench and woke my hamsters up. What an absurd explanation. A back-story was only ever given if asked for. 

I had two hamsters. One was named Sonic. The other was Hedgehog.

I call my girlfriend, Babe. I call her daughter, baby-girl. I call my girlfriend, Sweetheart. She also calls me Babe and Sweetheart. I find it humorous when we are in an argument and she keeps calling me Sweetheart. In those moments, I feel more like Uglyheart. Hearing her call me something tender in moments of disagreements gives me hope that we will get through whatever this is. We always do. She has always been good at looking forward and calling up the best in me.

I still remember my freshman year of high school when one of the nerds told me that he thought it was interesting that I was both a nerd and cool. Still one of the kindest things anyone has ever told me. Recently, almost 10 years after that, my best-friend’s wife told me that she wasn’t sure if I was really cool or just a nerd. Remember, I’m the kid who named his hamsters after a video game character.

I’ve had other alias’s: Bonesaw(variation of T-Bone), Coltrane(this one came from Shane the Brain), Tay Tay(when I hear my nieces and nephew call me this, I can always conjure up a crazy dance to make them laugh), Swampthing(Mokie, my cousin Marc, coined this one. Cover yourself in wet sand, pretend you're a monster and you too can have this nickname, but not before then.).

There are a couple nicknames that float around a group of my friends. They are not normal nicknames. They are temporary, always circumstantial and you never want to be called them.

The first is “The Entertainer”. This is reserved for the emcee of the night. He has been telling the most jokes. He is the one in the spotlight making everyone laugh. The dream sequence in Dumb and Dumber is the template for this nickname. There is one part in that segment where Jim Carry is in a lodge with Mary’s family. We enter to him telling the punch line of a joke; “he said, ‘do you love me?’ and she says, ‘No. But that’s a real nice ski mask.” He then proceeds to throw a bunch of goldfish in his mouth and lights a fart on fire. No matter what he does, everyone bursts out laughing. If any an this niche group of friends catches the other commanding the room like this, he will be sure to be hailed as entertainer.

don't be this guy

“The Godfather” is the other nickname and is far worse to be called. The Godfather is declared if anyone tries to define rules to any activity that we are all involved in. If you are having people over for dinner and tell them which order they are to serve themselves, you will hear “whatever you say Godfather.” If you dispute any rule, whether it is the proper scoring in washers or how to rearrange big-blinds when somebody gets knocked out of a poker game, you will be declared Godfather. It could be the most simple, common rule that just needs to be voiced in front of everyone, but if you are the one to do it, you are sentencing yourself.

The title Godfather comes with the responsibility of answering any question about rules or procedures the rest of the night. In some cases, The Godfather will have to make every decision for the group. When asked to vote on something, it is common to defer by saying that your allegiance lies with the Godfather and whatever he says goes. The trick to the Godfather is to name someone the Godfather first. It is always difficult to get rid of a nickname.

Something even more difficult to do is nickname yourself. It never feels right. You end up looking arrogant and nobody will ever feel comfortable using it. No matter how cool a pair of shoes is you won’t enjoy wearing them if they don’t fit. I have some friends that live in Kewaskum, Wisconsin. I tried to get a couple of them to start calling me T-waskum. They asked why and I stopped my campaign right there. Explaining an idea like that, when you are just then realizing it wasn’t as good as you thought, is like retelling a joke to somebody that didn’t hear it the first time.

Some of my closest friends respond to Bro Bro, Hoodmomma, Bigby, Warhammer and Pup. I knew two brothers in middle school. The oldest was nicknamed Air Fish and his younger brother Air Fish Jr. Nicknames are found in the seasonings cabinets of social interaction. Sometimes they are just absurd and fun. Sometimes they can be a subversive way of telling someone you love them.